Spoon list

I have been awfully busy lately. I'm trying to wrap things up so I can graduate and there has been all kinds of extra things at work. Too much stress doesn't really make one a happy person and I have to learn to balance my shit.

In the past few weeks I have had one true moment of happiness. I took my bike to a shop to be repaired since someone had stolen my mudguard during the winter. After I left the shop I walked home the longer route. I walked through this park with plenty of grass, some rocks and few trees. It felt blissful and even though I have always considered myself a city girl, I was reminded of how much I need nature in my life. I guess it's a Finnish thing. We born in forests, we live in forest, we live out of forests, we are the forest. Breathing in the clean air and enjoying the sun made me more happy than I have been in a while.

And then it hit me, a little park can make me happier than my new relationship. I opened the conversation and long story short I felt like I was dumped. (Don't believe everything I write, actually it was a mutual talk and there's no bad blood.) Now I have to face the next decade in my life alone, but for some reason it scares me lot less than I thought. I guess I had already grew into the whole independent thing. I also realised that this is not the best time in my life to have a relationship. I just don't have time and energy for it and I'm leaving the country for few months in the fall. So I dedicate this summer to meaningless flirting and girly giggles. I get back to the relationship thing again next year. I want to say I'm giving up on men totally but we all know that's never gonna happen. I've watched too many Disney movies and romcoms not to believe in love.

A friend of mine had written a note in FB with the title Don't Be Afraid of Life. She said that a playlist in youtube (The Ultimate Cheesy Pop) reminded her of the carefree years of her youth. She says there were two moments in her life when she had to make a difficult decision and that she made mistakes then. The two biggest regrets. No wonder she was reminded of mistakes while listening to that playlist...

I tried to think of my biggest regrets in life but I couldn't come up with anything. They are not something I have done, but things I have not done. It's odd that she wrote about that because similar things have gone through my head. Maybe it's the beginning of summer that reminds us with sunshine of how much better things could be or what but there's definitely something in the air.

I wrote a bucket list the other day. It's called that because you write down things you want to do before you hit the bucket. (In Finnish it's sometimes translated to "spoon list" because you don't hit a bucket in Finland, you throw your spoon in the corner.) It's time to start doing those things on my list so I can one day die without regrets of things I didn't do.

Things on my list are pretty average. I want to get a tattoo, shave my hair, bungee jump, travel around the world, visit a skyscraper, fly in a private jet, see something that blows your mind, sing in an (empty) stadium and so on. I can't remember if I ever had more than a three course meal so one day I want to try at least an eight course meal. I want to spend a week on a deserted island totally nekkid. I want to get married one day. I don't necessarily have to have a wedding, I just want to know how it feels like to me Mrs someone.

I want to give a kiss to someone from a royal family. I want to do something good, if not something big then at least multiple small things that might not be seen but makes others around me feel good. I want to be able to help my mother to become a grandmother. I sometimes can't breath when I think that she's not going to experience that because of my decisions. That such a big thing is so totally dependent on other people. But then again, one day I want to hire an escort or a gigolo or whatever they are called and let that person take me to the most amazing date and make me feel like the world revolves only around me. Because sometimes it's not about someone else, sometimes we ourselves need to be made special.

Single and ready to face the world. Maybe not so positive but at least optimistic.

I tried to translate a bit what Miss P wrote (hope she won't be offended):

"We all have had the same spark since our youth. For some the spark is blown out in the winds of life. Some of us kills ourselves in the fear of the destruction from the flames. For some lucky ones the inner fire will burn their whole lives. For some it takes a long time before that spark will turn into proper flames. -- In the end life is nothing but a flash of light that dies down fast. Only a fool would hide from it voluntarily. Don't be afraid of life."