Who's the biggest fool of them all?

 Welcome to the year 2015!

 

I haven't felt very happy the past few days. I see the shadows of past lingering too close again. I've taken too much responsibility and now my trial is to survive all of them. I know I should give up something to make room for breathing but I can't do that. I can't break my promises, commitments and there are people who depend on me. Like I told my friend, I just need to get my shit together. Even if it kills me.

Sitting at home in the darkness of the winter is not good for the soul, trust me. I forget to eat or I forget that I've already eaten. I don't sleep and when I manage to fall asleep finally, I have weird nightmares. I feel like crying most of the times and I just keep going over all the things I should've done and I still need to do. Thank goodness I have to go back to work soon! I know I will feel better when I do something meaningful and not just dwell on my own misery. Usually this time of the year I plan my next trip so there's something wonderful to look forward. This year I think it's best if I don't book a flight before my latest trip has been paid. I started my new year by cutting a credit card in half. Still I'm not worried about finances, as long as I have a job and live responsibly, there's nothing to worry about. And with the money I've had I've paid such wonderful things that it would be foolish to regret any of them.

What I worry is that I've started to fall back on old thoughts. I've had a bit more interaction with people from my earlier years and they haven't changed. I have to believe I have and stay strong. At least this time I noticed what they were doing during and not after. This time I'm not going to be stupid enough to fall for bullying, I will held my head up high and know that I'm better than what they think of me. But it's hard when people I thought were my friends have no respect, it really hurts. I shouldn't let things get to me. I won't let them get to me.

Some things are meant to be left behind. I'm not very good at dealing with stuff so I usually just brush them off and carry on. The problem is that sometimes I make the mistake of looking back. When something reminds me of something bad or something good that I've lost... it's a slippery slope.

 I've started Pinterest'ing and mostly roam around there reading quotes and other silly sentences. As you've might already notice, I like inspirational little pictures a lot. I'll spam you guys with few of my new findings. Maybe they'll provoke some thoughts or bring back memories in you as they've done for me. But first, a song (I can't believe I'm linking this artist again):

When I can't sleep at night, I start to build castles in the clouds to keep the bad thoughts away.

Have you ever had the feeling that you shouldn't feel that way towards someone? Or that s/he is not an ideal match but you can't help but having butterflies in your stomach? Or that you would do very stupid things for another person?

This is not just about letting yourself go for love, but I think this is one of the reasons why smart people don't have children (watch Idiocracy, seriously).

 I think this one is more about love than anything else. I'm not good at letting go and flying on the wings of emotions and I need to remind myself sometimes that it's okay to let go.

After I heard my friend say something bad about my other friend and then I saw this, I felt like shit.

One morning was particularly bad but this helped me to get through it. I'm not religious but I guess I believe in some kind of faith or destiny or some sort of supernaturalistic force.

 This I think is pretty self explanatory. And simple. Good thing there's usually more than one door so even if the front door is blocked, there's still way out from the back door.

And this. It's a wall of text and not the best grammar but it's worth to read.

I know you might think I have a horrible taste in music, and it's probably true, but as everyone else I listen to it for the certain kind of feeling I get from it. So here's one more from my top (your bottom) list to enjoy:

And if an angel comes my way, I'm gonna try to catch her - if I can
Do anything to get her to stay. Baby, that's the way I am.
You can call me stupid, say I should give you up but I can't do it.
No matter what you do I'm hanging on and on and on.
Don't, don't ask me why I stay, don't say I could do better.
Hey it's just a little rain and we can't get much wetter.
Let me hold you when you cry, just let go and close your eyes.
No matter what you do I'm hanging on and on and on.

Yet again not the best grammar but it's not like I should be even talking about that subject. But I've already accepted I'm weird and a fool, your judgement means nothing to me. Can you look in the mirror and say the same? I think I'm not the only fool around here since this blog has over 4000 views. Thank you all for reading and witnessing my 1,5yr of singleness! I'm not (unfortunately) done with this sillywilly-ness yet.