2014 is slowly fading away and 2015 is smashing through the window in to the room. And what a strange year is has been. A whole year single, who would've thought! I've been so happy this year. The most content for my life I've ever been. It hasn't been perfect, obviously, but the dark moments have been rare and I've been surrounded by wonderful people.
I thought I would go through this year through the songs I've been listening to most.
This song, Polarkreis' Allein Alene is a mix of languages and was linked to me my then new friend. We just celebrated our one year anniversary the other day and I can't emphasise enough how important he has been to me this year. We've had many giggles together but we've also cried together. There's not much I can't tell him. It's weird to call someone almost a decade younger one of your utmost bestest friends but he really is that to me. And before you ask, yes, we know through WoW.
I've come in terms with my nerdiness. Or geekiness. I don't know which I am. I'm not a machine geek, nor an anime nerd, but I'm definitely not.. an unnerd. I'm a lot more than that and sometimes I'm afraid people forget the other things I am but in the end I don't think about it too much. It does eat a bit my inner smexeyness, but then again... haven't met a nerd who hadn't liked me just the way I am. This song also made me realise that I'm not so serious as I've always thought. There's a lot of laughter in me towards very silly things and it usually gets out with fellow geeks. I think I was way too serious when I was around twenty and I'm quite happy to have gotten some life in me.
This is something I never get over. As much as I've grown in the past year and really got to know myself, I still have a constant fear of being misunderstood. In my youth it was that people wouldn't understand my jokes or what I'm trying to say or overall who I am or how I am. Now it has toned down, but it's still in the back of my mind. That's why I like the virtual connection more than being face-to-face. It's easier to let the inner voice be heard when it's not mixed with the physical awkwardness that sometimes so annoyingly takes over. It's also a problem when communicating in other languages; I can be quite witty in Finnish and I have to try really hard to reach the same levels in English.
What I've also realised is that I'm not
like other girls. I speak more openly about my sexuality and other
things. I don't grow old like other people around me. I don't look my
age, I don't act my age, I don't live like I should at my age, I don't
like or want the same things. I'm not the jealous kind, I'm overly
patient with the people I love, sometimes I think I love differently
too. I don't like to cuddle. I don't mind foul language. There are so
many things. When I was a teenager I was so sure that all the people are
so different from me. Then I learnt they are all the same, we are all
the same. And now, lately, I've started to feel like a stranger again. I
wonder if it was a short moment in time and age that I was like the
rest and now it has passed. Will I ever reach that point again?
The feeling that has gotten the better of me more than once this year has been the "why can't you see we would be good together?". I like you, but you like somebody else. And you like me, but I like somebody else. And it's so frustrating to be interested in someone and then someone and then someone and they are never the one. Three dates is the longest I've seen someone because they just haven't been the one I'm looking for. And only one of them has been quite mutual agreement that together we wouldn't be complete. I get sad when I look at that side of my year. It makes me feel old. It makes me feel so goddamn lonely. But as long as it doesn't make me desperate, I will survive the waves of frustration. Sometimes I just feel like I was promised more than I got.
This might sound weird but in the past year my self confidence has grown a lot. For example I've been so ashamed of my booty. "I mean, her butt, is just so big. I can't believe it's just so round, it's like, out there, I mean - gross." It required few compliments and some pics from good angles but I made it there: to the other side of self shame. I'm never gonna be skinny and I would probably get cut half in the middle if I was anyways. It's not just about acceptance for being what you are and not trying to forcefully change it, it's also liking your own body. As long as I'm not obese, why not like what I wear when I party with Adam and Eve.
I haven't lost my metal side. It has been hiding, but it's still there. This is not a happy song, but damn that it has a good beat! I noticed I'm not young anymore when one day I was home moshing and I couldn't move my head the next day. It was totally worth it though! I cannot help but move to music especially when it has such a beat. I bought a pair of leather pants this year and I've started to wear more of clothes that I think looks good but others might think looks a bit weird. I've felt I've went back to my roots this year but without overdoing it. I'm happy that I've found other things I like in life but it has also been nice to notice there are somethings that doesn't change in me. There's always gonna be a hint of darkness, hint of anger, hint of sadness and hint of metal in me. Always.
Overall this has been a good year. The biggest part of the goodness is because of the guild and the guildies. I've had wonderful trips across Europe and I've met some of those wonderful people in real life. Still have many to meet but they've still been there for me without being physically present. Maybe the year to come will give me opportunities to meet them and maybe even more awesome people. I have felt myself useful when I could've been there for others but I've also feel I've failed couple of times. I will learn from those mistakes and in the years to come try to make up for them. It's been a good road I've been on and I think I should continue this path. Maybe study a little more and do the dishes more often but otherwise I will keep the course and full speed ahead! I've felt so loved, not by a significant other but by friends and family. If I had true love in my life, my glass full off luck and happiness would overflow.
Next year I would like to dance more, sing more, love more, laugh more, travel more, work harder, let go off unnecessary pain, play more with my friends, make snow angels and sit by the midsummer night bonfire and maybe hire a professional lotioner to help me not to turn into a freaking raisin every goddamn winter.
I would like to ask for more courage to be myself, to trust myself more, to have more strength. I would like to gain more wisdom, more understanding and more appreciation to little things. I would like to listen to more good songs, listen to birds sing, listen to people smile. I would like to give no more bs and receive no more bs. And I wish all of this to everyone.
Only couple of dozen hours left of this year. Oh boy how many dickies I've seen...
Guys, if you didn't last year when the countdown started, this year just kiss the girl. Sha la la la.
(btw. it's 5am so if this post didn't make any sense, it's totally not my fault)
(btw. it's 5am so if this post didn't make any sense, it's totally not my fault)
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