Like sand through hourglass, so are the days of our lives

This is the inevitable.

I feel worse and worse the closer the day gets. I hate birthdays like these. I love going out, seeing my friends and usually I only wish for people to remember me, say few nice things and my day is perfect. And I already got the best present one can wish for so no need for any more (it was a bottle of cola). But this year, it's in the middle of the week, I don't have big plans and because it's all so vague not many people will come. But that's just fine, who needs friends anyway. If it's a bad weather I'll dress up and go have a nice drink with little umbrellas and whatnot - alone if necessary.

I was talking to my friend the other day how he wouldn't want kids now and that he wants kids when he is twenty-something. I reminded him that he is already twenty-something and then it hit me. Again. I made a promise to myself a long long time ago that I want kids only when I'm twenty-something and not a minute after. I still think it's a good promise because I don't want to forget how it was to be a kid. I don't want to be too far away from my own kids life. So the time is ticking. Ticking so effin fast that I don't even know anymore... If I want kids it should happen... well. Right now. And it's not happening right now. It's never a good time to have kids but this certainly is not a good time for sure.

I wrote this "poem" when I was a teenager, in the year 2003. And weirdly I can still feel the echo of that feeling I had when I wrote it. It's not very good English, but you get the point, I'm sure.

Everybody changes

Except me.

Personalities change, colours change.

But I stay still.

People get angry, enjoys.

But my face doesn't make a move.

People grow older, grows adult.

But I have always been like this.

Sun rises, the evening comes.

But I'm not moving anywhere.

They learn from new experiences.

But I don't.

They learn to be frightened, to be happy.

But I have always laughed for the same things.

No more I know people.

Changing is too fast for my slow growth.

People trust me, 'cause I have always been like this.

But I can't find a fountain to purify.

Sometimes I get a little bit of refreshing water.

But it doesn't replace never ending thirst which

doesn't disappear.

It never disappear, it never lose its glow.

I'm always the same, my personality never change.

People learns to understand me,

but just when I’m getting used to them, they change.

My eyes get moist of tears.

Mourning reflects of my eyes.

Even the sun makes me look sad.

That’s something they don't understand.

They'll never experience the same.

They'll never understand.

I'm not going to meet same kind of person, ever.

Alone I'm stuck in time.

And the time is running out.

The time is running out on me. I'm never going to meet a person who is the same kind as I am. I wish I knew that for certain so I could make different kind of plans. I hate this feeling of wishing and hoping for a great relationship. I wouldn't mind being alone and childless the rest of my life but it would be nice to know now. I would build my life differently if I knew for sure I will be the crazy cat lady in the end. Without the cats. Maybe I'll get lizards or something. And some day I'll change the little umbrellas on a drink to a huge one with what I can beat up neighbours kids for running on my lawn.

I don't feel old so why am I getting old? If I'm froze in time, why can't the time stop too? Why am I so freaking stuck on this never ending cycle of waiting? I'm lazy but when there are things to get done, I do them. I can't just sit around and wait. But with this, there's nothing I can do. And it makes me angry and sad. I feel like I have so much to give and nowhere to put it. Anyone needs some extra loving? I have plenty, just come get it.