Curriculum vitae

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder how would it look if it was written down as a CV, what would be the most significant points that has made me who I am. I don't think I would write down the things someone else would write about my life. I survived a lot of things but I don't think they have made me who I am: not the things. It just shows I can survive. It's the inner struggle that has made me who I am today and what I will be tomorrow.

And I've struggled a lot. First I thought, as a teenager, that I have to change myself to be liked and I thought being liked would make me happy. And I did, oh boy, did I try to change myself. I toned down my talk, my emotes and actions and even my inner self to be liked. I struggled so hard to be me without being me, and at some point I noticed it had worked. I wasn't myself anymore. But the problem was I didn't like myself anymore. And I like me more, not the made up me.

So I started to struggle myself back. That's still in process because a decade of being someone one is not, takes a toll.

The relationships I've had has taught me a great deal. They have helped me to find myself even though they haven't always been dancing in the rose gardens. I think I once loved a boy, but it got too serious too fast, so I got scared and ran away. One boy loved beer more than me, so I ran. One boy didn't know what love even was, so I ran yet again. And many boys didn't know if they even liked me, so I ran after them. I have been ashamed of the people I've dated and tried to get rid of them for that. Some have been too young, some too old, some too clumsy, some too weird, and the list goes on. Not that I've dated so many people, but one imperfect relationship can include lots of imperfect things.

I've survived weird relationship with my parents. I don't even know where the other one lives and the other one I can talk with about anything. Yes, I mean anything.

I've survived the moments when I've looked at the person I love wasting life looking at the bottom of a bottle. I've seen people burying themselves with grief. I've seen people who think they are not good enough when they are. I've seen people lie so much, that I've hated them - and then pitied them.

I've done things that are considered to be a tabu. Some things I regret and have to carry with me to the grave. Some I don't. But about all I'm willing to talk about because I don't think hiding things help with anything. Honest to the bone. With my words I hope I can help someone else who is going through similar struggle.

I've survived work and school and learnt hard lessons. I've survived my teenage years, I survived growing up and I'm still surviving growing old. I've survived pain and suffering, being hungry and being without a home. I've survived disappointments, letdowns and heartache. I've survived someones love without being able to love them back.

I've survived being lost, being lonely, being helpless and having feelings. I've felt sad, mad, I've felt misery, sorrow and utter confusion.

I've survived sleep-deprivation, being sick and tired of being sick and tired, the feeling of not being able to do something because my body just don't work properly.

I've survived a lot of things. I've struggled a lot.

But how much have I actually lived?

How many times something has stopped me for enjoying life, enjoying myself?

I've had moments when I've thought it's not okay to enjoy. That it's not okay to like, love, take fully what comes.

I've had moments when I thought I can't do something because I'm supposed to do something else. That I'm obligated to attend class, work, meetings, even see friends and family when I really wanted to do something else. Something for myself.

I've had moments I've laid on a bed next to a wonderful guy thinking that I can't enjoy myself, that I should be ashamed. Ashamed of what I'm doing, ashamed of my imperfect body, ashamed of the feelings I have.

I've had moments that I've been too scared, too afraid. I've thought others would judge if I like something, I've thought it's silly and stupid. So many times I've thought something is not worth the risk and so many times regret afterwards I've not done something.

I've had moments I've thought I hadn't deserved the happiness. That I shouldn't enjoy because I'm not worth it.

But I am. Everything I can give to myself I should. Every risk that doesn't involve getting myself killed is worth it. I am allowed to be a little crazy, to be a little different. The sun does shine just for me (and for you, and you, and you).

The moon casts its pale light for me and it's not too cold to go skinny-dipping.

Take life as it comes. You must survive the hardships because it makes your CV look better. But don't forget to include some happiness to the hobbies-section. In the CV of life, it doesn't matter how others see it. The only thing that matters is that you like the things you've filled it out with.